Let’s start at the top. I was just telling my boss about my plan to get braces (more about this next) and he politely stated that I don’t need braces. This would have been nice if he would have just stopped there, but of course he couldn’t. He followed that by saying, “do you know what the word ‘toothsome’ means?” and I restrained myself from rolling my eyes (he is a big fan of vocabulary lessons) and shook my head “no”, he then proceeded to tell me that toothsome means very beautiful and that I am very toothsome. I’m going to give you a moment to let the awkwardness of that statement sink in.

Moving on.

Braces. I’m getting them. Not the sleek invisalign kind either, we’re talking full on metal mouth. for TWO YEARS. Just what I always wanted, adult braces. Apparently my teeth are just too jacked for invisalign so I have to have two teeth pulled and metal braces put on for 22 months. I’m trying to embrace the braces, telling myself that I will rock em like there’s no tomorrow. Even have a little fun with the rubberband colors- maybe do a little hot pink, Clemson colors for football season, green and red for Christmas etc. etc.- but I feel like that might throw people off when I’m trying to get my drank on. I think this also means that I will likely be single for 2 more years. whateves.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II was awesome, I cried for like the entire last half of the movie. I saw it in IMAX 3D, which was probably the best idea I’ve ever had, sorry for all of you commoners who saw it in regular 3D or, god forbid, “2D”. I need to go back to Harry Potter world. it’s necessary.

Speaking of trips, I’MGOINGONONE. My mother and I are looking to book a cruisey mccruiserson for sometime in November (post braces, can’t wait) to go to Jamaica and the Cayman Islands. Jealous? YOUSHOULDBE. I’m pretty positive I’m going to hang out with a dolphin this time. I mean it seems necessary.I hung out with sharks in the Bahamas last year, this year I should keep it real with a dolphin. Mom (I know you’re reading this), you’re going. you will ride on a dolphin.and you will like it.

Lastly, boys are stupid. I’m over them. I stumbledupon these “rules” set forth by the always uplifting  book “He’s Just Not That Into You” that I thought were pretty good:

1. I will not go out with a man who has not asked me out first
2. I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone
3. I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me
4. I will not date a man who drinks or uses drugs to an extent that makes me feel uncomfortable
5. I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable
6. I will not date a man who is afraid to talk about our future
7. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me
8. I will not date a man who is married or in any kind of committed relationship
9. I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person

We’re all guilty of wasting our time on these types of people aren’t we? I mean let’s face it, it’s hard to be single sometimes and it can feel like dating someone who fits into one or more of these types is better than being alone when you really know it isn’t. I admit to being guilty of that from time to time myself, and I’ve been especially guilty of that here in Durham due to my lack of available friend, but no more! I’m sick of wasting time on guys who clearly just aren’t that into me (must be blind/crazy) and am going to work on being happy alone.

That was a huge diversion from what I initially planned to write this blog about, but I hope you got as much inspiration from the “rules” as I did. Lamely, I have “single ladies” stuck in my head hence the title of this post. I apologize.

Now, back to work! maybe.

Anecdote: Yesterday, a woman called and asked me to send her an availability list to her e-mail which included the handle “mydestiny” so I tried sending it to her and it wouldn’t work. She called back a few minutes later very mad that I had not sent her the list yet and I said that her e-mail didn’t work and she asked me to repeat the address so I did, and she, very seriously and hostiley said “ugh, are spelling destiny right? d-e-s-t-i-n-e-y, destiny?” and I had to try very hard not to laugh at her inability to spell destiny correctly in her own e-mail address. maybe this is one of those, you have to hear the story for it to be funny situations. just laugh anyways.

Lucy (my cute little angel of a dog) has been doing good, I know you were concerned. She was trying to bite every guy that came over for awhile but she has learned to behave (even though I secretly thought it was funny cause boys are stupid). I came home a couple of days ago to find that she had thrown up on my faux-fur blanket on my couch so that was pretty awesome. Also, I think she’s gaining weight. I can’t stop it! She looks up at me with those hungry eyes and its like a treat magically appears in my hand that I have to give to her. perhaps she is using a summoning charm… ACCIO TREAT! sorry.

I am officially no longer a resident of Clemson, SC as I traveled there a couple of weeks ago and removed the rest of my stuff from my apartment and Ashers just moved out yesterday. Did I cry? yes. It seems so odd that I will not be able to go back to that time in my life again, know what I mean? Even though I’ve been an adult for 4 months now it still felt like I had the option of quitting and going to back to my college days because I still had my apartment there, and now I don’t. Now I HAVE to be an adult. GREAT. I’m still hoping to make it down for a game or two though, really hoping our football team doesn’t suck this year!

I really want some damn chicken nuggets.

Still don’t have any friends. whateves.

If you’re wondering if I am sitting in a Barnes and  Noble trying to look cool blog-writing in lap top… you’re wrong. I am currently keeping it real on my couch the world’s best dog lying on my feet. I know what you’re thinking… “she must have made some friends and so she no longer needs to attempt to attract friends in coffee shops, I knew she would make friends fast, she’s awesome, who wouldn’t want to be her friend?”. My response to that is A) thank you, you’re right, I’m awesome B) you’re wrong, I still have no friends.

I know. I’m sure you’re shocked, I know I am. I have learned to accept the fact that people suck anyways so who needs em? (me. I do.).

Even though I haven’t made any friends I did make a best friend. man’s best friend. Her name? Lucy.  Full name? Lucy Goosey Taylor. Nicknames: Lucy Lu, Goosey, Lucy Goose, and OMGYOURESOCUTE. she responds to all of the above. That’s right stalkers, I took the plunge and adopted a dog. Not just any dog mind you, but the BEST dog. She has been so awesome its crayzeeeeeee. She is completely housebroken and I have yet to hear her bark, something you wouldn’t expect from a pomeranian/chihuahua mix both of which are famous for their yippiness. Lucy breaks the stereotype…so to all the people who laughed and said I was getting a ridiculous yip-monster, all I have to say is… SUCK IT. She is having a bit of a hard time keeping up with me when I go for my daily jog… as in she can’t jog with me and can only walk for like a mile and a half before getting tired. I’ll admit, I have carried her the rest of the way before…. but I felt so bad for her, walking slowly behind me with her head down as though she’s ashamed that she’s so out of shape. There was nothing I could do.

Speaking of being out of shape… guess who’s not? ME. I have lost 12 lbs and counting since I moved to Durham and I am so proud of myself! I bought the 7th Harry Potter movie to reward myself this weekend. I, of course, also bought  a hot new outfit to rock on my next date, though God only knows when that will be. and by that I mean, take a number boys, there’s plenty of Friday nights to go around.

I can’t believe it is almost May already and I also can’t believe that this is the first Summer where it being Summer changes absolutely nothing about my schedule. Even though I took classes and worked through the Summers while I was at Clemson, it still feels weird to know that things will be business as usual while all my friends back in Clemson are celebrating the end of exams. I’m really looking forward to taking a bomb ass vacation this year though…I haven’t decided when or where…and it would help if I had friends… but I know it’s going to be SCHWEET!

The note that I would like to end on is that boys are stupid. that is all.

After sitting in my apartment all day contemplating what I should do to make friends I just decided that I would pretty myself up and get the fuck out of my apartment. I settled on Barnes and Noble because I figured there would be lots of people here and it seems like one of the more acceptable places for someone to come alone. There are a lot of people alone here with their lap tops and books and presumably black coffee, including a mysterious cute guy in the corner across the room… hello! Is it bad that I’m better equipped to talk to approach these people in a chat room than in this real life situation? probably… especially because I was a communications major. Aren’t I supposed to be the bomb at chatting people up? FAIL.

How is it possible that I’ve been here for a month and a half and have met nobody? Ok, so it probably has something to do with the fact that I never go out. I’m just not used to going out alone and it feels weird. The only thing that I’m good at doing alone is shopping. Shopping is very easy to do alone and I’ve become very good at spending my money….perhaps too good. There is only so much money that can be spent though and I have hoarding tendencies that carry over to my money which is really a cock block to my ability to shop.Would it have been easier for me to say I like to save money there? probably, but I really liked the idea of a “shopping cockblock” and had to go with it.

side note: there is a guy that looks like Taylor Lautner here now and is making it very hard for me to concentrate. I’m pretty sure he is gay though…but beautiful all the same.

Other than being completely and totally alone here I’ve really loved it. I love my job and other than the fact that I have to be there every morning at 8AM, it doesn’t feel like work to me. I just had my 30 day review and my boss told me that she couldn’t be happier with me which is really a nice feeling. I mean they have no reason not to be thrilled with me… I go in everyday and kill it, brush my shoulders off, and leave.

sidenote number 2: There is a man holding his baby on his stomach by the crotch in line for coffee. I really wish I could take a picture of this because there is no way to describe it so you that can picture it.

So I’m in the market for a dog and have submitted an application for a sweet little girl and am hoping that I’ll hear back from them soon telling me she can be mine. Want to see a picture? Don’t worry I wouldn’t boast of this dog’s cuteness and then leave you hanging. That’s not my style.

LOOK AT THAT FACE

She is everything I’ve ever wanted in a dog…house trained, excellent with cats, quiet, sweet, playful, likes car rides, leash trained, crate trained, small, and so cute I could die. I’ve been really trying to think of a good Harry Potter name for her but so far I can think of nothing good that fits. I was tossing around Luna for a bit but it didn’t feel right and Ginny just seems stupid… so if things work out and I get her I think I’m going to name her Boo… cause she’s gonna be my boo… plus its cool, right? I’m looking forward to having a cuddle buddy and walking partner… and a dog that I can put clothes on. I am concerned that I might be a little animal crazy with 2 cats and a dog but they’re all small and it doesn’t seem like too much to me. I just won’t be able to date anyone that has any pets. but that wont be a problem because I have no one. see how this blog has come full circle?

Well this place is quickly filling up with tweens and lots of unattractive people so I’m going to wrap it up and shut this party down. Of course now its raining out so I have that to look forward to. sweet.

Speaking of 2011, my New Year’s resolution was to think positive, only drink soda when at a restaurant, and to only eat out once a week. I have eaten out all four nights of the new year. BUT, in my defense, I haven’t gotten to the grocery store since I came back to Clemson Sunday night…so technically I had no choice. amiright?

Sorry you’ve had to go so long without an update for me. I know you’ve probably been feeling like there is something missing in your life (that something being an inside glance into the life of LG), and for that I apologize. I’ve just been sooooooooooooooooo busy (not really). Some people have actually started referring to my lifestyle as that of  a “jet-setter” (also. not really). Since my last post I visited Hogwarts (HP World) and, less importantly, graduated from Clemson.

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter was everything I ever dreamed of and more… my only complaint was that it didn’t have an entire park all to its self… just a lousy “island” of “adventure”. It really was awesome though the details were krayyyzeeeee. It snowed inside the castle, floating candles flicked in the great hall, pictures moved and spoke, Moaning Myrtle was moaning it up in loo, the ATM was called Gringotts, mandrakes screeched inside store windows, the wands chose the wizard at Ollivanders, and all the workers referred to us as “muggles”. also. Butterbeer- I opted for the frozen kind. It tasted a lot like a rootbeer float…except more AWESOME. Ashers got pumpkin juice which I thought was josie grossey (Never Been Kissed ref- LOVE IT).

We also explored the much less important islands in Islands of Adventure and went to Universal Studios. While I did loveeeeeeeeee the rollercoasters in HP World, my fav was definitely the rip-ride-rockit at Universal. It spanned the entire length of the park and each seat was equipped with individual speakers which played a song of your choice throughout the ride. The entire ride was filmed…which basically means I made a music video. not a big deal… ok I’m a pretty big deal. It was really fun to watch but also really expensive to buy so….sorry you won’t be seeing it.

I did graduate from Clemson… which I guessssssss is kind of important. I don’t think it has fully hit me yet, it’s just been hitting me in waves. Like yesterday I took back my parking permit and as I drove away from campus I cried. I got a charm from my family for Christmas that has my graduation date on it… I cried. I got a Clemson Christmas ornament… I cried. I gave my mom a picture of me and the Tiger. she cried… I cried. Are you starting to see a pattern? I didn’t cry at all at graduation but now when I think about graduation I start crying. I don’t even think that it’s because I love Clemson so much…which.. I don”t…but it’s the end of an era I guess.

I would feel better if I could find a job…but I can’t. I’ve put in 50 applications and nothing. nada. zip. It’s not like I’m applying for jobs I’m highly under-qualified for either, I’m talking about administrative assistant and property management assistant jobs which I have 1.5 years experience in. I really wanted to move to Uptown Charlotte, but I’ve just about exhausted all my resources there so I’m expanding my search to Savannah and Atlanta. If those don’t work out I will then expand to San Fran, San Diego, and NYC. I’m considering getting my masters in Higher Education Counseling and College Administration, but I haven’t taken the GRE or started applying so obviously I’ll miss the application deadlines. Needless to say…I’m frustrated.

For now I’m just keeping it real in Clemson working at good ole Carolina Real Estate, hoping that I’ll be able to find SOMETHING before June when my lease ends. I love my parents but I do NOT want to move back in with them. I just never thought that I would work my ass off for 3.5 years in school, graduate in the top 20% of my class, have tons of diverse work experience and find myself jobless at the end. sigh.

also. I want chinese food.

1. when I’m in line at the water fountain so I can fill up my water bottle and no one gets in line behind me until I get up to the fountain… and the person behind me just wants a sip. So they then have to wait for me to greedily fill up my entire water bottle. This makes me feel rushed and I can hear their impatient thoughts as the water pressure changes and misses my water bottle and I have to adjust to the new height therefore extending the time it takes to fill it up. I often don’t fill my bottle up all the way to avoid a guilty conscience.

2. When the people in front of me are walking at a stupidly slow rate and I have to speed walk it around them so I can walk at my comfortable moderate pace (circa michael cera in the kbyeeee scene in Superbad.)

Speaking of Superbad…. 

I digress.

3. When I say something I think is funny and my audience of peers looks at me like I’m an idiot. The “no? anyone? ok.” moments if you will. ( I know you will.)

4. On the flip side of that note, it is also awkward when someone says something they think is funny and you don’t and you’re forced to decide whether to appease them or just stare. Or  when someone you like (and are thus trying to impress) asks you if you know about something and you haven’t… but you feel like you’re far less cool if you haven’t heard of it. So you of course lead them to believe that you know about it, and they then ask you a question about it which forces you to try to come up with something based on what they have already said. By this point there is a strong likelihood that they have caught on to your lie and will try to expose you.

5. When you know there is enough money in your account to pay for what you are purchasing, but the card gets declined anyways. I feel obligated to tell the cashier that I have enough money and I don’t know why it’s not working… cause I know they are judging me, just like the people behind me in line are judging me. and passersby. THEY’RE ALL JUDGING ME!

6. Waving energetically at someone who either doesn’t notice you or is not the person you thought they were. This can go interchangeably with missed high fives, and raising your hand and everybody sees it except the teacher (you’ll eventually give up)… these all lead up to the shrug off where you either act as if you were doing something else with that hand (my favorite is smoothing out the hair) or chuckle uncomfortably to yourself (this may have an add on  stray comment like “going to leave me hanging?” or “oh…thats not mike…I though it was…kbyeeee”).

7. Saying “you too” out of habit and realizing just as it’s leaving your mouth that it isn’t necessary… exA: after buying a ticket for a movie the cashier says “enjoy your movie” and you reply “you too” because you’re so used to the habitual “have a nice day”… damn it!

8. Coming back to earth from a good space out and realizing that you were staring at someone the entire time. The person noticed and is looking at you like you’re the biggest creep on Earth. which I am sometimes…

9. Walking and seeing someone you know but they’re kind of far away… you don’t want to make eye contact or start speaking too soon so you try to make it look like you haven’t noticed them yet and are very busy looking at everything but them. This is especially relevant for me since I hate small talk (because I’m really bad at it) and will go to extremes to avoid it (dunking behind a tree, rerouting so I don’t come into contact with them, or pretending something is SUPER interesting on my phone).

10. In class the teacher asks a question to prompt discussion and you answer it… and your answer is past wrong and everyone knows it  and you  are then forced to watch as the teacher attempts to find some rightness in your answer so you don’t look like a complete dumbass. There are of course the teachers that straight up say “WRONG” which I feel is a lot less awkward for everyone.

11. Singing loudly along with a song and someone changes the song abruptly and you are left with a 3 second long acappella solo and everyone’s stares. This also relates to talking loudly at events cause there is music playing and the song stops before you realize it and your conversation is made public knowledge… the conversation is usually an awkward one to top it all off and the sentence everyone hears is “the rash is really itchy”.

12. Stomach gurgling and/or growling loudly during an exam. In order to cover it you try to anticipate it coming and cough when it starts up or shift around loudly… its never loud enough… people can still hear your hunger… they know its you.

There are many,many more and I may come back to this list and add to it… but I think you guys get a general feel for how my life goes.

Thinking back on my past experiences with these moments still makes me cringe… which goes to show that moments are fleeting but awkwardness is forever.

KBYEEEEEEEEE

I was at the library yesterday for 8 hours writing a research paper on the impact of online dating on traditional dating methods. While I understand that this is my fault because I “could have started on it sooner” that is irrelevant. I wouldn’t even have to worry about starting pointless papers if they weren’t assigned to me in the first place! Also, for the same class, I had to read the entire book  entitled: The Digital Sublime: Myth, Power, and Cyberspace– I spaced out just having to type the title– so I, naturally, only read half of it. Perhaps I would have read more had I not wanted to fling myself from the tallest building in Clemson whilst I was attempting to read it. Some of you are probably thinking “suck it up LG that doesn’t sound so bad” and to you I would like to say “STFU”. I do plan on reading the first and last sentence of each paragraph for the remainder of the book which I think is more than adequate considering we will only be spending one class period discussing it.

I would also like to tell all people considering taking the entry level anthropology course here at Clemson to run for your lives. I have never worked so hard for a B in my entire life. WOW. the tests are impossible. He’s one of those “choose the best answer” teachers which can easily translate into “choose the rightest answer according to my view of whats right, yes there is more than one right answer, but there is one answer that is marginally right-er than the others”. so FML. I studied for the test for a good 3 days and still only got an 83, which is significantly better than the majority of the class who failed. Alls I’m saying is, I took the class as an elective because I have to have the hours to graduate and I didn’t expect to have my brain hemorrhage in an entry level course.

Aside from all the bullshit that is my education I am quite delighted with the weather and the fact that it is October. Halloween is coming up and while I’m sure you have some super plans they will never compare to mine. What are you doing for Halloween LG? you wonder. Lemme tell you. I happen to be going to THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER. o.em.gee. I am so excited and I may or may not be planning to dress up  in robes and wand as I wonder around Hogwarts. SO WHAT.

I personally think Clemson could learn a thing or two from the school of witchcraft and wizardry… one of them being how to be AWESOME.

anyone wanna carve pumpkins with me?

also is it too soon to start watching Christmas movies?

followed immediately by:

I would first like to say you’re welcome. that song will get stuck in your head and you’ll catch yourself singing random lines like “you are dumb. you are realllyyyy dumbbb for reeallll”. Now these moments can be hilarious and, dare I say…. stress relieving? But this can get you in trouble with people who are not familiar with the tragic story of Antoine Dodson and the bed intruder. You then of course have to have the awkward moment: “what?! no! I wasn’t saying that YOU are dumb…. just the rapist… no the rapist isn’t here silly he’s in the projects.wait! where are you going?! its the story of antoineee dodsonnnnnn (voice fades as you realize the likelihood of a friendship ever forming with that person just went down the drain)”.

So air on the side of caution whenever you feel the urge to belt out “they rapin errbody out here”. not everyone is as hip as you and knows of the legacy that is the bed intruder.

Also what is the Evan’s cover at the end? that is dumb. that is reallly dumb. forrr realll.

Antoine now has his song on Itunes, a t-shirt line, and an app (not that I have it….ok well I might..). Thank you America for spotlighting this kind of news. also thank you journalists for always picking the dumbest people possible to do your interviews. This post would never have been possible without you.

School has started and that’s stupid. I really only have 3 classes– gender comm, new media, and anthropology. I got to drop my philosophy class today because I’m taking on a new internship. PRAISE THE LAWD! I wanted to slit my wrists every second of that class so by dropping it technically I’m saving my life. Which is pretty heroic so…

The new internship I’m taking is with Empower Clemson which is the alcohol free program here on campus. So all you drunkards better watch out, I’m coming for ya.

I started my first week at The Tiger last week and thought I was going to have a panic attack and die. I had no idea what I was doing and was there for 8 hours trying to figure it out. For all of you who did read the Tiger and notice how nice the ads look… you’re welcome. I did accidentally misspell the words “success” and “academic” in the academic success center ad though… which is probably the worst possible thing I could have done. BUT, in my defense, it was 10 o’clock, I had been there for 8 hours and that was the third time I made the ad. So I was tired and ready to go and I just didn’t think to check it over for spelling. Hopefully this week I’ll be able to get some done before production night so I won’t have that issue again.

And as usual Carolina Real Estate is sucking. so. what else is new.

On the bright side I got some pretty sweet seats for the football game this weekend. Ah the perks of being a senior.

Holy balls I’m a senior. I’m graduating in December. houghmygod.

I can’t say that I’m going to miss the summer though.. It’s been so hot outside and so many boring nights like this make me kind of wish I had some homework to do. Ashley is gone for the weekend so I’ve been left to my own devices.. and apparently I don’t have many devices. I rented saw 6 and when in rome today… they both were eh.

I also took a 5 hour nap today. thats my favorite device.

I’m pretty excited about some of my classes this semester. I’m done with all my major required ones and only have bullshit ones left to fill my credit hours. I’m taking my senior seminar, gender communication, intro to phiolosophy and anthropology, and meditation and relax. Sounds pretty ok right? yeah well IT BETTER BE